Angelversary: 6 years

Today marks the 6th angelversary of the loss of my younger sister, Kathi.  This blog was created to honor her memory.  It was also created as my therapy to cope with my survivor’s guilt.  It’s hard losing a sibling, especially one that’s younger than you.

Even though my eyes still leak from time to time or they turn into a fountain when memories come rushing back, I have finally found acceptance in her death.  A lot has happened in the last few years and I have grown much closer to God.

I can’t begin to understand why she was called Home at the tender age of 37.  I don’t know why her children had to grow up without a mother.  Those questions will remain a mystery as I have stopped looking for an answer.  What will be, will be.

I do know life is precious.  It’s easily wasted with arguments, fights and alienation of family and friends.  Be there for those who need you.  Express affection sooner than later.  We need to live for today, because as life has taught me, no one gets an extension when your time is up.

It’s ok to grieve.  It’s ok to take as much time as you need to process a loss.  I will never get over losing my sister.  However, I can remember her spirit and know she will always be watching over me.  I can continue projects she found important.  I can get the Kathi’s Cares Program into non-profit status so I can show other cancer patients they are not alone.  Cancer, in all forms, is a horrible disease.  It’s time to find a cure and let doctors and pharmaceutical companies know our lives are not for profit.  

A Reason

I can’t imagine what it must be like to tell someone, ‘you have cancer’.  I know what it’s like to find out a family member has it.  I also know what it’s like to hear those words spoken directly to you.

Cancer seems to be dominating my family.  I’m the latest recipient its chosen to challenge.  I refuse to let it remove me from this Earth.  This is a battle I WILL win!  I have started a program for local cancer warriors; in my sister’s name.  With fighting my own battle, I admit, I haven’t done a lot with the program lately.

However, I believe my own battle with colon cancer has shown me a reason for my fight.  It is utterly amazing how horrible insurance co-payments are in regards to paying for medications, doctor visits and tests.  The apathy is overwhelming.  It’s not like medical professionals know what patients are dealing with.  Non-profit foundations, that advertise co-payment assistance are nothing short of laughable.  They either refuse to assist if you have commercial insurance or funding just isn’t available.  Many will only cover Medicare or the uninsured.  Other programs are drug-specific and if you have a unpopular cancer, then your chances for assistance decline even further.

I have decided, once I beat my cancer, I will be diligently working on making the Kathi Cares Program a nonprofit.  The focus will still be supporting local cancer warriors.  However, the primary focus will shift to aiding those who need monetary assistance with prescription (and care) co-payments.

I want the assistance to be available almost immediately versus putting the applicant through weeks’ worth of waiting and worry on how they are going to cover the necessary medication or office visits.

If this is the reason I was destined to go through my own cancer battle, then challenge accepted.  I struggle with the ability to afford my own treatment.  I do have a fundraiser to aid in that.  I am too young for my cancer (as I am repeatedly told), but I have yet to find funding to assist me.  This is my only option, until I can get another job to help me pay for my treatment.

I will beat this and then I will help those who are experiencing what I am dealing with.  Together, we can make a difference.  Together we are a community.

All in the View

Daniel Angeles:  an artist, my (writing) muse, my friend.

This particular piece will highlight some of his work as it pertains to my life.  Dan has an uncanny talent for painting what people are feeling.  His vision, brought to life with strokes of a paint brush and water colors that in turn, revive memories, elicit emotions and can put feelings into perspective.  I know my world wouldn’t be as bright or beautiful without Dan in it.

So the journey with paintings begins…

The “It Will Get Better Bear”.  While I knew Dan prior to his drawing this piece for my sister, Kathi, after her breast cancer diagnosis, I never fathomed it would become her memorial tattoo or the face of the Kathi Cares Program.  This simple teddy bear, meant more than words could adequately express to Kathi, my mom and to me.  Again, THANK YOU, Dan!

I can’t speak to Dan’s motivation as to how his thoughts transcend the mental plane and make their way to canvas, but he creates such works that one can’t help but take a “Trip Down Memory Lane.  Looking at his work, you see your past, the memories become vivid. Painful or joyful, the feelings return as the mind wanders to a place in time that is just for you.

Sometimes you have to do what you have to do to get by.  I know as I have grown older, moved across the country, remarried, buried my father,  sister and mother, I am constantly evolving.  It seems I am always “Sprouting New Beginnings”.   When I feel my life is turning upside down, when I am having a bad day, perhaps even slumped down on the hall closet floor, having a good cry, it’s not long before I feel the bloom of life opening the a new chapter on my life.

My mom installed a love a reading in her children. Artwork depicting books in different facets speaks volumes to me.  There are times that I am literally “Turning The Page” in my personal book of life.  I have seen the personal growth in myself over the last several years.  Life sometimes has a way of making you experience what you never contemplated.  I can’t say I have had the best reactions to what I have endured.  I can say I have grown and I do my best to see the positives in situations now.  It’s all about how you “Weather the  Storm”.  This one made me smile in particular.  I swear, it’s lucky I’m a verbal alcoholic, because if I drank every time I said I would, my liver would not be happy with me.  But a few times, yes, a glass of wine has helped me through some rough times.  Ok, it took the edge off til I was ready to deal with whatever it was.

I know that there is still much more to experience.  I know my trials are not over.  There will be more to deal with.

I am “Counting the Days” until I am able to finally meet the man who has brought me endless smiles and plenty of (happy) tears.  Who made my sister feel special and loved with the drawing of bear.  “The Burning Question” will be what will I ask Dan to paint for my 50th birthday.  I will be treating myself to my own very own Dan Angeles painting. Actually, I have already decided on a topic.  It will be up to Dan if he is able to display my request in watercolor:  “The Impact of Friendship“.

“Underneath It All”, I cannot imagine my life without Dan.  I’ve said it before, but my life wouldn’t be complete without his amazing artwork, his support and his thoughtful words.  My heart will forever harbor a special place for such a caring soul.

Kathi Cares Program

I recently took the plunge and joined Twitter.  I can’t say I’m a huge fan and the majority of my “tweets” will just be my blog posts, but hey, it’s free advertising, right?

That being said, it’s time to bump the Kathi Cares Program again.  For those of you who may be new to this blog or why I even started it, you can read more about it here.

This coming June 12th, will mark the fifth anniversary when my younger sister lost her battle to breast cancer; she was only 37 years old.  In remembering her, the Program speaks to her generosity, caring and willingness to help others.

While a few people have graciously made donations, I am primarily funding this project myself.  The goal is to become a non-profit, so I can ask for donations and those who donate will be able to have a tax write-off.  I am content helping one or two people at a time.

I would ask that if you have Facebook, you take a moment to look at the Kathi Cares Program page and see what it’s about.  If you read or see anything there that moves you, I simply ask that you share the page (or this post) so others might also benefit.

While it’s currently set up to be a local program in Northern California, the goal, one day, is to become nationwide.  I know my sister would approve and if she were still here, she’d be right here with me helping this program grow.

A Logo In The Works

It’s been a year since The Pink Herald was born.  It’s still a fledling blog, but I think it’s time for a custom logo to go with the uniqueness of my musings.  A friend of mine has volunteered to try to make my simple vision into a realistic drawing that I can use.

I have decided whatever logo comes to represent my blog, will in turn, represent my latest cause that will one day become a non-profit.  The program is still very much in its infant stage, but I’m hoping by the end of 2016 to see it at least enter the toddler stage.  If you’d like to know more about this program, dedicated to my sister’s memory, please follow its growth on Facebook:  Kathi Cares Program.

If you are so inclined, I’d be grateful for a share or two so more people can learn about a sister’s mission to help cancer patients feel like they haven’t been forgotten.